Monday, September 22, 2008
Sunday, September 14, 2008
Thursday, September 4, 2008
Speaking of house, I've decided to give mine back to the bank. I can't afford it anymore, I'm thousands of dollars behind on my mortgage. My efforts to be proactive and look into options for payment before I fell behind were in vain. By the time my paperwork was processed (three months AFTER I called to request assistance because I recognized that I wouldn't be able to make my next payment) I was too far behind in payments for any options they were presenting at that time. So, they can have the damn thing. It's too big for me and Maysie, the bugs and mice are taking over- not to mention the weeds! I feel like it's caving in on me. I figure if I don't give it up, then they will take it by foreclosure. This way is the lesser of two evils. Now I'm just playing the waiting game to see if I'm even eligible to give my house back; to see if my lender will even accept the deed. If not, then I guess I'll just sit here in the spider webs and mouse poop until they kick me out. No one is buying; no one's even looking.
Needless to say, I've been a bit distracted by life in general. My blog has taken a back seat to the world around me. No gray hairs yet, though....
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
Showing some interest in her excersaucer. Oh the cheeks! How I love to chomp them!!
Chillin' out with Poppy!
Another one of my boyfriends. On this day, he decided he wasn't going to play, instead he wanted to just sit in the middle of the floor while the world around him rode bike, ran wild and had fun.
The slide was quite the popular ride when we walked to the park next door, or as I liked to call it- the static electricity tunnel. The children would arrive at the bottom with their hair absolutely on end and want me to catch them.....ZAP!!
Friday, July 18, 2008
She has never really had too much trouble getting to sleep on time or within 30 mintues of her bedtime. In the past, she would occasionally wake up as soon as I put her down, but it took only another few minutes of rocking to get her back to sleep. No big deal. Night feedings were a breeze: she would wake up- not cry, just awaken- eat, then go back to bed easily. Great! 20 minutes, tops.
Lately though, that is not the case. The past week or two her initial going to bed difficulty has been escalating. I am keeping the same routine with her, but she is beginning to fight sleep .(apparently I did this too when I was a baby- payback?) I have tried laying her in her crib when she is tired, but not sleeping and letting her soothe herself to sleep. It has worked once with the help of her rainforest mobile, but not again since then. I have tried allowing her to be freaked out and panicy when she pops her eyes open as soon as I put her down and NOT pick her up again, but instead tell her it's okay in a soothing voice and rub her belly. No dice. I've tried just walking away with and without a mobile playing- not happening. She gets so distressed! She doesn't really cry, but I can tell she's unhappy. I've read that at this age (4 months) it's still too young to let them "cry it out". I'm not sure I could do that anyway when she's just this little.
Well, the initial bedtime is not the worst part. Now she refuses to go back to sleep after her night feeding! She usually wakes up 2 times at most. It's the second feeding where she resists going back to bed. It's the same thing; she'll fall asleep while I'm holding her. But as soon as I put her down, she opens her eyes and panics! The other night she woke up at 1:30. She didn't really want to eat or be rocked. She bucked around in my arms, but I rocked her and rocked her and tried holding her different ways to get her to sleep....I nodded off in the rocking chair a few times myself. Finally, I admitted defeat and decided to take her into bed with me. I looked at the clock- it was 4:30!!! I had been trying to get that child to sleep for 3 hours!!!
Now I'm at the point where I don't want to lose sleep trying, so when she wakes up I just get her, and bring her into bed with me, and feed her in there. I don't want to get into the habit of letting her sleep with me, but I'm at my wit's end!! Not to mention she kicks a bit, so I don't always sleep well. She does cuddle, though, which is nice, but I'm exhausted every morning and so is she!
If anyone has any advice out there, I'd love to hear it! I've done research and talked to her pediatrician, but I tried all of that to no avail.........
Saturday, July 12, 2008
Sunday, July 6, 2008
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
I love talking in analogies!
Monday, June 30, 2008
I must be selective about the thoughts I share and the extent to which I delve into them. I guess when a person blogs, they must always be aware that SOMEONE could possibly read their innermost confessions and feelings. However, a person who blogs and shares such feelings could possibly be looking for not only an outlet, but others who share the same experiences who can offer advice, support, encouragement, etc......thus the double-edged sword of publishing your mind.
When I started this blog, I knew I would be posting pics of Maysie, so I sent a link to my friends and family. Plus I was looking for a connection to the outside world since, at the time, I had just had Maysie and was staying home (alone) with her. Now, my aunts read, my parents read, my ex husband reads, even T (Maysie's father) has read at least once. While I am glad that they have the opportunity to keep up with the goings on in my life, sometimes I get pretty personal with my blog. On occasion, I hear about it afterward. I don't like the idea that I feel the need to answer for or defend my feelings.
Example #1: My mother (who really is the world's greatest mom, btw) once called because she had just read my blog and was concerned because I sounded "so pathetic". Ouch! I suppose I did at that particular time in my journey through life, but aren't I entitled to my raw emotions and the expression thereof?
Example #2: T read a post where I vented my frustrations concerning his behavior. He reacted in a hostile manner stating that he read "words from a jealous ex who was trying to gain sympathy from her readers". The subsequent words that followed were not pretty; I won't even go into it. I will say, though, that that text-versation put him a breath away from losing Maysie (and me) in his life forever. And we would have contently been lost had he not wised up and made a phone call weeks later. Just to be clear, I did not send the link to him knowing that this blog could contain a few posts regarding him, but I did send it to his mistress/ girlfriend/ now (estranged) wife who used to be my friend. I suppose when they were getting back together she read that post and sent it to him to "tattle" on me. I guess I ought to be slapped for that one.
A more recent occurrence that raises my eyebrow is two author deleted comments on my previous post. I highly suspect my ex husband is behind them. I can't think of anyone else who comments on my posts who would feel the need to delete their comment. I can only imagine that whatever comments he might have made were snide, sarcastic remarks pointing the finger at me with references to the events surrounding the end of our marriage. I can't be 100% sure that it was him, but I feel quite strongly that it was. I'm sure either way that I'll catch it for this post anyway...but I am entitled to my opinions, right? Just to be clear- I didn't send the link to him in an attempt to avoid comments like the ones I suspect and any perpetuation of his hurt over the divorce, but he found it through my Facebook profile....where I posted a link.....I suppose I should think these things through, huh?
But isn't that the point of blogging? To say what's on your mind, clear your head, air your feelings, frustrations, concerns, spill your guts openly without being whipped for having feelings about life in general?
Sigh....what's girl with plenty of thoughts and opinions to do?
Friday, June 27, 2008
When I listened again tonight, I got a bit teary. The words are so incredibly heart-felt and romantic. Every woman lives to hear those words spoken from the man she loves. I can't help but feel, though, that it's all a bunch of bull shit. Oh, sure, a person can SAY those words, but do they really mean them? And even if they do mean them at the time they're spoken, for how long? A day? A month? Eventually, that sentiment wears off and then what? On to the next novelty?
It's sad and hollow to realize that I've stopped believing in true love. While I do believe I have found the purest, greatest love ever in my daughter, it's not the kind that a person longs to be part of in regards to a partnership. I've heard and read stories of how some men treat their women so perfectly and say the sweetest things; then I wonder when the ball will drop. I say to myself, 'yeah, right', because no one genuinely feels that way. That kind of love exists only in writing, not in real life. At least not in mine anyway. I do feel that I am capable of loving some one that deeply, only that I don't have what it takes to be loved like that. And even if some one ever came along and tried, I don't know that I would ever believe them. I would just play along, waiting for the ball to drop.
I used to believe in love- when did life make me so cynical?
Monday, June 23, 2008
Friday, June 20, 2008
Occationally, I am able to grab a good face, though! This one I took with my arm extended trying to point in the right direction. I also took several pictures of my wall using the same technique.
Here is my attempt at being artsy with a moving subject, poor lighting, that darned delayed shutter, and no flash (lest I get startled face again!). Ain't she sweet!!!
Well, I 've been in a poetic mood lately and wanted a place to publish my peoms. A bit self serving perhaps, but don't all artists create to display?
Anyway, check it out! Only poems are published now, but as soon as I get the chance to take some artsy pics, you'll see them there, too!
Saturday, June 14, 2008
With glistening eyes and mouth and tiny dimpled cheeks,
I know I am loved.
It was like sunshine on my soul,
and you missed it.
She laughed today; you missed it.
The sweetest squeal, a song of amusement because
I did something right.
A choir of angels lives in her voice,
and you missed it.
She cooed today; you missed it.
Gurgles and goos, her only words,
she shares her thoughts with me.
The best conversation I've had,
and you missed it.
I wonder when she's older
if she'll ever think of you,
curiosity and confusion for a father
she never knew.
With your eyes she'll search mine for
answers to hard questions,
and you'll miss it.
Precious moments fly on inevitable wings,
you'll miss them all.
your own choice to miss.
Cushioned by love, she won't know
the void I felt.
The vacancy you created will be fulfilled before
she knows the difference.
She'll say 'daddy' for someone else's face.
She won't miss it.
The stressors have ebbed and flowed the last three weeks. New ones creep in, but the usuals are still looming overhead. Mostly money matters, which are directly connected to the house- sell already!!! The T factor stressor (Maysie's "father") are beginning to subside as I have decided to lock the door he chose to walk through. I've heard no knocking, so he must be too busy playing house with his new wife to care. (that's right- he married the twice left while impregnated girl he left both me and his first wife for only seconds after getting back together again. Third time's the charm, right?)
Maysie seems to have adjusted to her new 'school', as have I adjusted to not having my little shadow with me 24/7. I decided to slowly introduce her to regular bottle feeding at least twice a day (I feed her during my lunch break as well as before I go to my room to work and when I pick her up.) because I won't be there to feed her at all during the day once I go back to school in the fall. At first, she wouldn't take a bottle. Finally, one day she decided a bottle wasn't so bad. That was a relief. It is hard, though, having so little Maysie time during the week.
I joined a gym. It was hard to justify the expense, but I knew I needed to do something for me even if it was only for 30 minutes two times a week. Their child care is free and trustworthy. I'm excited to get back into shape; I try not to feel too guilty not spending that time with Maysie after I haven't seen her most of the day. It's funny, just weeks after having Maysie I was back down to my high school/ college weight (below my pre-pregnancy weight I might brag!). I remember looking in the mirror thinking, 'Hey, I don't look too bad!'. Since then, I've maintained that weight- though it does fluctuate a pound or two each day-, but I feel that I don't look as good as I did. I feel flabbier somehow.....hmmmmm.....
Now that I'm not home all day to pump milk while Maysie naps, my frozen milk supply is surviving only day to day. I try to pump twice a day and keep my stock one day ahead. I'm so afraid I'm going to 'dry up' before I'm ready to. She's eating more now. It's easy to keep her on a schedule at school because I can tell how much she's eating at a time, but I have no idea how much she eats when I nurse her. It seems she doesn't get enough at one sitting to fill her up, so she needs to nurse more frequently when we're home, which makes it difficult to pump any substancial amounts to freeze. I really enjoy breastfeeding, and I know the benefits it has for Maysie. I'm hoping I can keep up for at least 3 or 4 more months!
A huge stressor I was feeling last week (with some residuals still lingering) was getting my school business finished. Because I've been moved to a different school for the upcoming school year, I needed to packup my room. The districty provided boxes and the hauling for everything that fit into those boxes, which was nice, but I learned that I have so much stuff that doesn't fit in a box. I took a day off from my summer gig to get it done; I thought that would be enough time. I had forgotten how much work goes into closing down, probably becuase in the past I started before the last day for teachers. This year however, a little thing called maternity leave interferred with that proactivity. I had one day to pack up my room, print out grade reports for the entire year, address and mail report cards, finish other bits of paper work- Oh yeah, and make up the 8.5 hours of professional developement I missed while I was on leave!!! Okay, so it's taking a week and a half to make up all the hours, but even that time line is tough!! There are some online courses I can take, which I've been enjoying, that I've been trying to squeeze in where I can. Each week day, though, I get only about 2 hours to myself after Maysie goes to bed. In that time I also have to feed the dogs and myself, clean up the house (in case someone wants to look!), do laundry, dishes, and pump, and that's only if Maysie goes to bed at her bed time between 7:30 and 8. Some nights I can't make it to 10:00! I promised my principal I would have them done by Monday. If not, the district will put a hold on my contract!!! So why am I wasting my time blogging!!!! -Really, I just needed to clear my head.....
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
When I got her home I just held her and cried because I missed her so much. The poor baby was so hungry she ate five times between 6:00 and 7:30!! She feel asleep an hour before her bedtime, and I cried when I went to put her in her crib because I wanted more time. She opened her eyes as soon as I put her down, so I snatched her back up again.
I really like the job, but being Maysie's momma is the best job I could ever have! I'm hoping we both adjust soon....... can't handle much more stress and emotional upheaval.
Saturday, May 24, 2008
This last Wednesday I mowed my lawn, but discovered that my weed eater was out of line and missing the guard. Rather than mess with that, I texted T (baby daddy) and asked if I could borrow his. He said I could if he could borrow the mower and even offered to trim my yard for me. He said he couldn't that night, but he would the next day (Thursday). Thursday evening rolls around and no T. I knew he would be playing his dumb computer game at 6:30, so at 6pm I texted him. He said "sorry. stuff came up. tomorrow?" BTW- it is very much like him to not show without letting me know he's not coming. I agree to Friday. then texted him back to say I would come by his house after my gym adventure that day to pick it up so I could trim the yard myself. No response. When I arrived at his place, he wasn't there. Now keep in mind that this computer game takes priority over just about everything, so I figured he was out chasing tail and the "stuff" that came up was probably a chance to hook up with who knows what.
So, Friday afternoon I texted to ask if he was still coming. He says yes, when it cools off a bit. Fair enough. I left my mom's early so I would be home when he arrives. I got a text around 6:00 that he's not coming (again) because he worked out too hard at the gym and he's tired. He asked if he could come tomorrow (Saturday). I said ok. I also asked if he was going to be at home that night because his roommate had invited me to stop by. He said it was doubtful. Now I know he's messing around with some girl because everyone he hangs out with was probably going to be at his place that night.
God bless her- she needs to be warned!
Anyway, I asked if he could just drop the trimmer off on his way out. He wasn't going in that direction...I said forget it, I would borrow my dad's. He asked if I could just wait until tomorrow (Saturday) morning. I told him I've been waiting (he was supposed to have done this LAST week, but never showed) and that the morning wasn't good for me. No response. I figured that ticked him off and he didn't care to say anything else (that's how he rolls). I figured that was that. I couldn't sleep because I kept thinking of how I'd like to tell him off in front of his new lady friend.
So here comes the weird part......
This morning, Maysie woke up just before 7am. I brought her into bed with me so we could play. Out of nowhere, the though that T might show up that morning entered my head. I thought that if he did, he would show up early because he's an early riser, and I thought that he would probably want to beat the rain, too, since it was overcast....then I thought: what if he's here right now? I looked up (I can see my front door from my bed) and he had just walked up to my door and was looking in.
How did I know??!!!
Luckily I had that thought or he would have scared me to pieces! He kissed the baby and just got started before the rain came down. He left his trimmer saying he would come back later if the rain subsided; he wanted to pick up his other daughter, too. It cleared up by 11am. At 5pm, I hadn't heard from him (surprise), but had already arranged for my dad to come out and help me because clearly T is unreliable.. I let T know he need not worry about it......I'll bet he didn't pick up Claire, either.......I hope new girl is on the pill- T has a habit of making babies then taking off!!!
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
So I had the humane trap set in my pantry; a mouse got in there, took some bait, and managed to find his way out again (he must have had a buddy there to hold the door open for him). They left a cheese nip behind- guess their pockets were full. I replaced the trap under my sink. Eventhough I'd tried filling in the holes around the plumbing to keep them out, they were still getting in and throwing parties down there- and leaving their poop for me to clean up! How rude! I checked the trap again yesterday- it looked empty. Completely empty; even the cheese nip was gone! That was the last straw! I tried to be nice and capture them without killing them, but they chose to nibble my tortillas, steal the bait, and not get caught! I bought some glue traps. Just for the record, I do not like glue traps.
My first experience with a trap like this was back in high school. There was a mouse running rampant in my parent's house. I set out a glue trap thinking I could just peel the little fella off and let him go -in case you haven't picked up, I don't like killing things. Even most spiders get a pardon in my house (I throw them outside). Back to the traumatizing trap story.....I had every intention of saving the tiny intruder. Little did I know the calibur of adhesive on these glue traps -hey, I should use on to catch me a man. Ha!- Just a few hours after setting it out, I had caught one. I tried to use a tissued hand to free it from the glue, but the more I tried, the harder it struggled and panted, and the more stuck it got. Finally, I realized in horror that the mouse would not be freed. What did I do with it now? The mouse was still alive, but it's death by starvation was inevitable! All I could do was gently place it at the bottom of our garage trash can and hope that the image of it's writhing little body didn't haunt me that night.
So here I am, some 13 years later preparing to relive the whole experience. I can't very well have a mouse getting into Maysie's room or go scurrying across the floor when potential buyers are viewing my house, though. I opened the under-sink door and removed the failed trap only to find it wasn't empty after all. The plastic is tinted mouse color. A frightened little mouse was hangin' out in there, half soaked with his own pee. I guess he'd been in there since yesterday. I immediately walked him down to the field at the end of my road (luckily, Mom was at my house watching Maysie while I did some chores). As I walked back to my house, I began to feel guilty about the glue traps since the humane trap had worked afterall. Nonetheless, I set out two sticky plates: one under the sink, and one in the pantry. Just hours later I was in the kitchen when I heard a pitiful little squeak. Oh no! I almost hated to look. Sure enough, a tiny- I mean tiny- mouseling was stuck but good to that trap. Oh great- a baby. Once again I felt a wave of dread as I thought about how to dispose of the terrified creature. Once again I resorted to my garage trash can. I looked him in his beady black eyes, told him I was sorry, and dropped him in. I'm going to pretend that he died of fright on the way down.
**Sigh.....I set two more traps out. I must be a glutton for punishment.........
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Reading it made me want to like me again...........what happened??
I'm a big believer that things happen for a reason, even with everything that's happened recently. I feel I was meant to run in to her at this time in my life so we could reconnect. When I saw her it was like no time had passed at all. She was the kind of friend where we could just hang out and not speak, but not get bored either. We were always able to find something to do. We didn't ever discuss deep feelings or life issues, we just had fun. We would make silly videos -commercial spoofs, lip sync'ing- the kind where when I show someone else, I'm the only one laughing. We took all sorts of road trips, too. I'm so glad that we found each other again!
I love my friends. It's hard at this stage in life to keep close in touch, though. All of them are busy with school, careers, relationships- as am I. Now I have my precious Maysie, so getting together is even harder. I was always the one to coordinate the get togethers or trips, but I'm preoccipied these days! Everyone seems so scattered to the wind. But the great part about my friends is if I were to plan a gathering, I know they would all be there.
My good friend "K" comes to see us every Thursday after work. She keeps me posted with the goings on at school. We teach down the hall from each other. We've been friends since her first year at the school. We're usually seen together in the lounge or hall before and after school, but this next year I'll be moving to a school a block away! I don't know how we will survive without one another just steps away. We'll have to have our weekly dates after school.
My friends have stuck by me and supported me unconditionally through out the divorce and the whole ordeal with Maysie's daddy. My good friend "L" gifted me with her kind words and strength after T left. She was there to peel me up off the floor during Christmas break when I was at my lowest point. Without her, I'm not sure I would have made it to where I am with as much strength as I have. We have a connection that runs deeper than just friends; her 2 year old daughter and Maysie are half sisters, but all sister as far as we are concerned.
Maysie and I are so blessed to be surrounded by so much love from my friends and AWESOME family. How did we get so lucky?
Oh- Mouse update...that sneaky little bastard got into the trap, took the food, and somehow got back out again!! Curses- foiled again!!
Monday, May 19, 2008
- buy a fancy digital SLR camera
- treat myself to a spa day
- buy season tickets to a professional theatre
- go on a cruise
- get professional photos taken of Maysie every year
- landscape my backyard...maybe then someone would buy the house!
- not worry about selling my house!
- get a new car -or- repair and repaint my car metallic orange!
- buy a Dyson, just to see what all the fuss is about
- go out to eat at a fancy restaurant once a month
- donate to charities
- hire someone to mow my yard every week
- treat myself to a pedicure every month
Sunday, May 18, 2008
Friday, May 16, 2008
My good friend is going to be on that MTV show about finding an Elle Woods for Broadways "Legally Blonde". I've caught a glimpse of her on the trailor!! She was in "Birdie" with me. She had to leave before our last weekend to start filming. She was back the next week, though. Those New York people are crazy; she's awesome! She and I met during "Peter Pan". She was Tiger Lily and I was Peter. We were also in a commercial together. I'm the only one without long blonde hair. We're supposed to make another commercial for Shakes soon. I'll keep you posted.
Another friend of mine is coming to town this weekend. He taught down the hall from me my first year at the school. He and his wife are moving to San Fransisco so he can go to seminary school. I'm going to meet up with them sometime tomorrow. He'll get to meet Maysie!
I've been gussyin' up my house in order to make it more tempting for buyers.....hard to tempt them if they don't look, though! Where's my easy button!!!
Thursday, May 15, 2008
....I knew how to make Maysie sleep more soundly and for longer durations.
....someone would buy my house!
....Maysie's father were more interested in being a daddy.
....I didn't need/ want his attention so much.
....I could go on a date with a nice guy with potential for a romantic partner.
....I had realized before touching up that the white paint in the can in the garage is not the same white as the walls.
....I weren't hungry all the time! What's up with that?
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Here I was at 4 am scavenging batteries from any remote control in the house that used AAA's. While I was able to find four, none of them had enough juice to power the walkie talkie that I keep in my room! Needless to say, every tiny noise I heard from her nursery after I went back to bed put my ears on point, straining to decipher it's call. She was up for good three hours later. When I went in to get her, she had managed to wiggle herself completely sideways in her crib, which is pretty amazing considering her arms are velcroed to her side and her legs are in a pouch. She's advanced!
Two days ago I caught a mouse rummaging through my pantry! Today when I was making my lunch I discovered that little wanker had nibbled into my tortillas! No wrap for me........
I put a humane trap out yesterday; nothing so far!
Monday, May 12, 2008
Friday, May 9, 2008
*My sweet baby girl
*My supportive family
*My awesome friends (who are like family)
*Wedding cake (I think that may be why I got married!)
*Rocking out to showtunes and/or girl rock
*a good belly laugh (It's been too long!!)
*losing my inhibitions, but not my judgement
*people who lie
*intolerance (maybe somewhat hypocritical?)
*text abbreviations (I'm an English teacher...)
*weeds in my garden
Foolish. I'm tired of crying about it....
Maysie is having sleep issues that I don't know how to deal with. She had created a good schedule of going to bed at 8, then waking two times during the night around 12:30 and 4:30. Now she won't go to bed in her crib until after 9- though she will sleep in my arms, as soon as I put her down she's wide awake and fussing. I tried putting her down without being swaddled last night since she always struggled to get out of the wrap and sometimes even cries when I put her in it. She woke up within 5 minutes both times I tried. The last time I swaddled her; she finally went to bed- maybe out of comfort from being wrapped, or maybe out of exhaustion from the late hour and fussiness all evening. There were a few times last night when I felt I couldn't handle it any more- I was going to come unglued...but what other options do I have? I don't have a co-parent to hand her over to when I need a time out. The good part of this new sleep pattern is she only wakes once at 3am.....
Being a single parent is hard!
She did lift her chest off the floor during tummy time yesterday! I was very excited and proud! She's not suppoed to do that until around 3 months. Maysie will be 2 months in the 16th. She's advanced!
I really want some cake and/ or pizza. I wish I wasn't hungry all the time! Maybe I should stop watching the Food Network....
Thursday, May 8, 2008
Looks like another day of sitting around the house..*sigh* It's raining again today -come back sun!! The good news is Thursdays is when my friend Karie comes over to see us! Maybe I'll make spaghetti....
I have nothing interesting to say today......