Monday, November 15, 2010

Eternal Sunshine......

I'm inspired recently by the brilliant film Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. The characters here have the ability to pay a company to erase a memory, completely, from their mind. Anything so intolerably painful can be obliterated, an event, a relationhips, a person, so life can go on ignorantly blissful. What a concept. I think I would. Not a specifc person of occurance, but a concept. I would like to go through life having no awareness that such an elusive thing as romantic love between two adult people exists. I couldn't have the feeling of being in love erased, because I don't think I've ever experienced it, though I've thought many a time that I was there only to find out otherwise. No, instead I would prefer to go on not thinking about how great it must be.
To be clear, I wouldn't take all loving thoughts from my brain. I still want to love my friends and family. I still want to have love for things like fall colors and performing and a beautiful song. Especially I would want to hang tight to love for my sweet Maysie; that I would never give up. But those kinds of love are not the same as love from a life partner. If only I could remove that one little part of my memory, or the idea anyway. The idea of romance then would be as foreign as the taste of ox tongue. I've never tried it, so I don't want it. I don't want it, so I don't miss it. I don't miss it, so it doesn't hurt not to have it. It doesn't hurt not having any so seeing others enjoy it doesn't effect me. Simple. Just imagine how focused I could be on the rest of life if it weren't for that one little bother.
Maybe it can be erased. Maybe if I don't believe, it will cease to exist, like faeries. It's not that I don't believe in love completely; I do...for some. The way I see it, when it comes to having romantic love you're either a "have"- I've seen enough of these genuine cases that I know it exists- or you're like the rest of us...a "have not". Oh, I've been a "have tried" and a "have thought so", but never a true to life "have". I don't think I'm capable. In either regard: to be in-love or to be in-love with. I wasn't put on this earth for that reason. I've got plenty of purpose, but finding the right guy to (mutaully) fall in love with for good is just not one of them.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Fighting the parenting blues

Where did I go? This is the second post I've written about getting lost in parenthood; the first was written 2 years ago. I don't feel I'm continuously sinking anymore, but I do feel submerged. I love love love the priviledge of being Maysie's momma, but I miss me, too. Single parenting is such a difficult balance; I can't even stay on the log! Everything I used to identify with, that made me like me, I don't have time for anymore. I feel like I've lost it and me along with it. I used to call myself a performer. It's been over 2 years since I've been in a full-on production. I have taken cameo parts in a few theatrical camp performances thanks to my wonderful friends in the teaching-kids-to-act business. I appreciate greatly what those moments on stage did for me and my sanity. But they awakened in me the beast that bit me in the first place. Now I want more. Performing musically one was a few things that I sincerely felt I was good at whether someone told me so or not. Another is art. Paiting, drawing, creating- anything I had the resources for. I create here and there for a purpose, like gifts or costumes. But I haven't created just for me in years. I actually started a painting a month or so ago as an attempt to find me in those paint bottles, but I haven't touched it since then because I have too much work to do. By work I mean grading, planning, course work, house work... stuff that has to be done, which beats stuff that I want to do. Another wish-I-had-time-for is writing and illustrating children's books. I've had several stories rolling around in my head for 10 years! A few have even made it to type. I tried to make it a goal last summer to work on my stories, but my courses started in June and I was working 3 days a week. On the days I wasn't working I had Maysie with me; her sleeping time was spent doing homework. I've also discovered that I'm not very productive at home. I get distracted by house work and being tired. Basically what I need is time to myself. What is that anyway?
I think back to my life before Maysie, way before... like when I was married the first time and not even thinking about having kids. How did I not have time then? What else was I doing with myself? I was teaching and staying at school longer, and actually doing the school work I brought home. I was acting, too. Sometimes 3 shows a season. I could I have felt then that I didn't have time.... If I knew then what I know now, I would have been so much more productive. And now, here I sit blogging about my woes of no-timeness while Maysie watches Mickey Mouse on the "big" computer. I started this evening's writing endevor on the PC, but was soon displaced by a sweet (and demanding) little plea for Mickey. I can hardly justify spending sleeping time (Maysie's that is) with non-productive activities like blogging. That time is reserved for school work.
On the bright side, my social life has taken a turn for the better. I have a friend whom I've been spending a lot of time with. I really enjoy his company, and he seems to enjoy mine and Maysie's. I'll try not to screw that up.

Friday, October 8, 2010

The Art of Lonely

During the week, I keep my phone turned to vibrate because I don't want it to ring during class. I turn it back to normal for the weekend. Lately, though I've wondered what is worse: checking my "silented" phone for messages or calls and seeing that there have been none, or hearing someone not trying to contact me. Facebook has fallen into a similar trap. I read the news feed to see what the rest of my world is up to, but really am more interested to see if anyone has posted on my wall or sent me a message. Seems a little pathetic doesn't it? I'm sure if I posted on someone's wall, I would get a response.... I guess I hope that someone is thinking of me first. There have been no friend requests in months; but that's a two way street. I often wonder if I subconsciously sabotoge my own relationships. If I were in the midst of one, would I have time for it? My STBX (soon to be ex) repeatedly claimed that I had no time for him after Maysie went to bed. I found that frustrating because I didn't have time for me either, and I still had work to do, and I felt he needed me to entertain him. But perhaps he was right. Maybe I don't have time. The whirlwind of a relationship I was just recently in caused me to stress about time. When I knew he would be visiting on an evening, I worried that I wouldn't get my course work done or that he would feel jilted if I choose to do homework instead of spend every minute with him while he was there. It was a bit different, though. One of those people lived in the same house with me, one didn't. Really, though... when I have little to no time to myself, is there room for another person? My mom offered a night for me tonight. She and Dad would take Maysie through her bedtime routine so I could get a minute to myself. I almost didn't accept, even though I've been seriously needing some decompression time, because I had nothing to do that I couldn't do at home after Maysie goes to bed. None of my friends really go out. If they do, I don't know about it. A night to myself tonight means exactly that. A night with myself....alone with my flaws and my exhausting thoughts. I decided to spend only a minimal time on those, and the rest on homework and a mocha.... and no distracting TV or enticing couch.
But now, here I am. Alone. Well, not alone. I've brought with me Mom Guilt. Guilt for wanting/ needing time away from my parenting responsibilities. Another time when I lean heavily on my parent's support. It's good to have that support there, but shouldn't a grown and responsible woman be able to stand alone? There it is again... alone. I was actually looking forward to my escape to B&N. Until Mom Guilt arrived with my parents. Maybe that's where the name came from. Maybe it passes from one to another, but Mom Guilt hitched a ride on my soul tonight. Cheesey. The absorbtion of Mom Guilt when something like this: Look at that tired girl, she's so tired, she doesn't feel good, What time has she been getting to bed? she's sick, she needs to go to a doctor, she's not felt good this week, listen to her cough, it could be pneumonia... have a good time!
Mom Guilt, though, was happy to interpret for me. Please see the chart below...
Look at that tired girl = poor thing is sleep deprived.
She's so tired = what cruel person keeps this child awake?
she doesn't feel good = Can't you see that? What are you doing about it?
What time has she been getting to bed? = it's your fault she's so tired. You're keeping her up too late.
She's sick = You've been ignoring her illness and making her go to school!
She needs to go to a doctor = any decent parent can see that she needs medical attention! How could you not have done this yet!
She's not felt good this week = You've been torturing her all week by not making her well!
Listen to her cough = it sounds horrible. How can you ignore that? Why haven't you fixed it?
it could be pneumonia = and it's your fault ofr ignoring it for so long. Won't you feel bad if it is!
Have a good time = don't worry, we'll put her needs before our own and take care of her while your out having fun.
Sure, maybe I'm overreacting, but that danged little voice is so loud! I can almost guarantee that she'll go to bed early without any fuss or trouble indicating that the difficulty I've been having is my own fault for doing it all wrong, putting her to bed too late, not being too weak to handle it, all of the above....
I really shouldn't be so negative. My parents have been an immeasurable help the last 2.5 years that I've been called Momma. I'm grateful and disappointed at the same time. Grateful for their help, but disappointed that I've needed so much of it. People expected I would nto be able to do this single parenting thing by myself, and I feel I'm proving them right. I hate that. Yet here I am anyway. Good times......When I get home, I'm having a glass of wine.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Family Fun time

My brother and his family came to visit this past weekend. Maysie had such a good time playing with her cousins. All of them were so sweet to her; I could tell they have an older sibling instinct. We spent as much time as we could with them for the day and a half they were here. So much so, that Maysie did not want to come home with me after they had all left Monday. Now it's back to the Mom show: All Mom, all the time!

Saturday, June 19, 2010

My daughter, the artist

Maysie likes to draw and paint. She always requests that I trace her hands or draw Santa Clause when faced with a blank canvas. I recently invested in a sturdy, plastic picnic table and umbrella so we can paint outside without worrying about a big mess... I can just hose the table down.

She also likes to pretend. She likes to pretend to make me cry; I'm not sure how I feel about that yet. She used to tell me to "fry, Mama", then offer me a pretend binky once I got going. At times she'll tell me she needs a glove or a hat and I'll offer her a pretend whatever... sometimes she comes back with, "no, a real _____, not a pretend _____." I'm glad she has an imagination. And quite a flare for the dramatic, too.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Hot Fun in the Summer time...

Today was my first official day of summer vacation. It was also the first day of my second whack at potty training my 2 year old daughter. I had tried over Spring break, but she was taking an antibiotic for an ear infection. It was so strong it caused her to have diarrhea and a raging yeast infection; I decided it was best to wait. Now that school's out, things will be calm for me for another few days. I'm going to be working half days, four days a week at a program for school-aged kids at the facility where Maysie goes. I'll be earning extra money and getting a nice employee discount on her tuition! For a few weeks I'll be spending my mornings helping out at a friend's performance studio for their summer camp sessions. July is packed with professional workshops AND I'll be starting my online Masters program at the end of June... so summer is not much of a vacation for me; just a vacation from my primary profession. I like to stay busy, though. And it will keep me from wanting to take a cue from my friends and go somewhere fun and then feeling jealous because I can't. I am trying to plan fun activities for the Mays and myself, and Chadi when he's visiting. We plan to go see Toy Story 3 when it comes out; Maysie's first movie in the theatre- should be an adventure! I also want to take a day trip to Turpentine Creek- a large cat sanctuary. Not to mention the potty training adventure....
I've brought home a handful of young adult books from my classroom library to read before my literacy workshop in July (where I plan to pickup more books to read before school starts). There are a few side projects I want to work on too, when I get the chance - in other words, during nap times....
So, already my summer is booked. I'm trying to make a conscious effort not to start thinking about the next school year until July, but I'm meeting my new intern tomorrow -just for introductions and visiting- though I'm sure school will come up.
Oh well..

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

I know why the caged monkey goes nuts....

We are taking the BIG state standardized test this week at my school. Well, I say "we", but all I'm doing is reading from a script and watching a dozen of my 6th grade girls read, write, and fill in bubbles for 15 to 45 minutes at a time. I envy them that they actually have something to engage their minds in. I've been carrying a notepad around with me while I monitor them in case something pops into my head. I can't do anything about it, but I can write it down and do something about it later.
In the afternoons, our homerooms come to us for the rest of the day. I started to read Peter Pan, my absolute favorite book, to them yesterday, but they wanted to talk or play hand games or make smart remarks about the story..... it was quite frustrating. Today I let them play games and chat for an hour before torturing them with the brilliance of J. M. Barry again. They actually seemed to be into the story today, though. The first chapter is so full of analogies and figurative writing that they just didn't get it. But today the action was emerging, and the humor began to show. Waiting for the hour to pass before settling them was rough, though. I love those little toots, but they were certainly rowled up after sitting prostrate over a test all morning. Our principal dismissed all grades to play for the rest of the day at 2pm. Boy, they needed it!

Monday, April 12, 2010

Acceptance on a roll....I hope

So I got an email today stating that both lesson I submitted to an alternate educators conference were accepted, meaning I've been approved to present a professional development conference for other educators. I'm excited, but feeling a bit intimidated, too. What if they people who attend think my lessons are dumb... what if I get nervous an talk in circles or say something stupid (it happens... a lot). What if no one signs up for my sessions..... sigh...
I think the lessons are neat, but I designed them; and quite a few others have asked for a copy of one of them. Perhaps I shouldn't psych myself out. They wouldn't have chosen me if they didn't think I have something to offer, right? Speaking of accepted, I'm waiting to hear from the online masters program I applied to for acceptance. I'm also waiting to hear if I will be given any financial aid. If not, I guess they can throw that bill on the pile, too. Keep your legs crossed for me, folks...
Funny, I wrote that as if anyone is reading... I have serious doubts about that one!

Saturday, April 10, 2010

Typical Saturday

While Maysie naps, I have the chance to get to my To Do's.... when there are no major things to do, I'm stymied. Strange. So I suppose some scripted reflection is in order....
Maysie has taken a liking to cleaning. She's always enjoyed sweeping the floor, helping to wipe the tables and picking up, but now she wants- WANTS- to wash her dishes out, too. I took some pics of her smiling while doing dishes to prove that it's her idea!

I think it's stinkin' adorable! Might as well nurture her desire to clean up after herself while she has one! She's getting to be so independent, too. I try not to offer her any help with little tasks unless she asks for it, and I always try to give her choices whenever applicable.

Lately, in order to feed the need to create that I've been feeling since Spring hit, I've been trying to come up with some new recipes. Food Network is one of my favorite channels, and the one I choose to watch the most after Maysie goes to bed. I get plenty of flavor ideas there, it's the execution I'm not familiar with. Tonight, I'm going to make a ground turkey pita with greek yogurt and cucumber dressing. We'll see how that goes.
I've also been using my classroom as a creative outlet, too. The Benchmark is next week, so my lessons have all focused on preparing the students for that lately, but I've already written out a scope for the rest of the year. I love the 6 weeks after Benchmark. The test stress is over, and I can focus on the areas of the curriculum that are not stressed on the English portion of the test. I plan to start with poetry: reading, interpreting, and writing, then move into drama: reading, writing, and performing! I can't wait! Several of the lessons/ activities are some that I've done before, some have been modified, but others are brand new! My favorite part about teaching is coming up with the lessons and accompanying activities. I also enjoy attending workshops for ideas. Most of my lessons are original, as far as I know, anyway.... I've found 3 local workshop that I want to attend this summer. I'm also attending the second year of a 2 year literacy program that my school is funding. It's out of town, which means I have to leave Maysie for 4 nights! Last year it nearly killed me! She kept asking where I had gone and waiting by the window for me to drive up. This year, I'm trying to work out a plan for Mom and Maysie (and Chadi, too, if he can) to come Searcy for the last day of the conference, and we'll all spend the weekend in Little Rock afterwards.
I feel a bit word-drained.... and my book is calling. A student of mine is foaming at the mouth to get his hands on the book when I finish it, too.....

Friday, March 26, 2010

Feeling inspiration buried within.....

Springtime makes me feel restless. I feel I need to get out there and do something important and/or wild. Next weekend, I'm planning to buy a ton of bedded plants and bring my back porch to life. I've got the pots, just nothing inside but ideas. My landlord is also taking out an eye-sore of a shed that was here before me and contains nothing of ours. Once that's gone, I'm going to till up the soil and create a little garden. Maysie and I even started some little peet seedlings today! I feel like I want to create, but I can't find the inspiration... I'm artistically "tongue tied".
I've also requested some information from ASU's online Masters program. Several of my co-workers are earning their Masters online from ASU and like the program. Perhaps if I start this summer, I won't feel so overwhelmed and can find a groove for the work. I have a Netbook now, and I just bought a router, so I can work online from my porch while Maysie plays in the backyard.
I bought a box of blonde and a box of strawberry blonde for some funky highlights. I'm going to play beauty shop before school starts again and see if the kids notice. Sniffing sunshine brings out the free spirited eccentric in me. I need to put them in before my practical winter self speaks up. Wish me luck!
So Maysie's second birthday party wasn't what I had envisioned, but my parent's house made a lovely (and warm) party sight. Here are some pics for your enjoyment....

Sunday, March 7, 2010

The Ice Cream Man Cometh..

The weather has been absolutely lovely here the last few weekends, but I've been weary about getting my hopes up for Spring. The first glimpse of seasonal change came the weekend of January 20th. Weird to remember the date, you say? Well, that was the day I met my students and few other teachers at the movie theatre to watch The Lightening Thief. I skipped a jacket that day. It was a touch overcast, but nice enough to make me long for more..... no such luck; a light dusting of snow greeted me a few morning later. I was forced to don my heavy coat again. Since then, the days have been cool in the mornings, but quite pleasant in the afternoons. I'd wear my heavy coat to school, only to shed it and throw it in the passenger seat when I left my classroom. The sun had come out nearly everyday, but still I wasn't convinced. Eventhough I'm always ready for Spring to begin, I was hesitant; I know the trickery of Mother Nature. I don't rely on the gentle tilt and perpetual rotation of our planet to notify me that warmer weather has arrived for good. Oh no, I look for much more solid signs that the season is turning. One of them I saw last weekend. I heard the old familiar sound all at once. It was unexpected, but so welcome that inside I was jumping up and down like a child with a dollar to spend. Creeping down our street blasting the well-known summer anthem was the ice cream truck. Proudly proclaiming the arrival of sunny days with the ice cream classic, "Turkey in the Straw" , the white be-labeled van beckoned the neighborhood children who were out stretching their winter legs. "Spring!" a child's voice bubbled in my head. While I was beginning to grow more sure of Spring, the practical adult in me hushed the happy little girl running barefoot in my mind's grassy yard. "wait," she whispered, "it's too early!" I wanted to believe it wasn't. Although I hadn't needed it in several days, I kept my big coat on the rack, just in case.
Then, yesterday while driving to a local bakery, I spotted the surest sign of all that warmer weather is here. The Suzie Q is open for business! Suzie Q is a local, old fashioned mom and pop drive up burger joint. The image of this feel-good greasy spoon is an icon for this town. And it's seasonal -closing down in the colder months. If the Suzie Q is ready and willing to fire up the grills, then I'm ready to fully accept that Springtime has arrived! When we got home yesterday afternoon, I put my heavy coat in the closet. Welcome, old friend; I missed you!

Sunday, January 31, 2010

Maysie pics: My baby in the snow!

We went out and played in the snow at my parent's house today. She loved the sledding, and eating Grandma's homemade snow ice cream.
Isn't it funny how we pass on so much of our personalities to our children? For example: I am a creature of habit. I always have been to a degree, but even more so now in my adult years. Raising an infant ala solo to 15 months also contributed to my tendancies to tight schedules and life-patterns. I'm trying to ease up a bit in that corner of my psyche (see previous post), but some habits will continue....
Maysie has lived her little life thus far watching me and living these habits and schedules with me. She, too, has picked up on what should go where and when, etc. Last night, as we were preparing to sit down to dinner at my mom and dad's house, Dad sat by Maysie (the spot usually reserved for me) just to visit while I made my plate. Maysie's near immediate response to Poppy's presence: "No, Poppy! That's Mommy's chair!" Ha! Maybe this means she'll come to appreciate and immulate my everything-in-its-own-logical-place oraganizational metality....

Friday, January 29, 2010

Snowed in....again

Three weeks into the new quarter at school, and we are dipping back into our summer with more snow days. Hmmph.... Well, perhaps I can catch up a bit on this ol' blog.

I've been making slow but sure progress with myself so far this year. I made a mental resolution list (which I had intended to post, but down-time usually turns to falling asleep on the couch come 9pm). So, I'll take it one resolution at a time, and fill in the details for each one.
1. Get in shape (welcome back, resolution #1...haven't seen you since early '09)
I've been going to the gym twice a week for cardio classes. I want to add another night of work-out time to my regime, but I don't want to be away from Maysie. I'm going to invest in a DVD and see how that goes. Maybe I can shoo my husband away for 30 minutes so I can get my sweat on. I really don't like to be watched while I work out, especially when doing aerobics and the watcher is not doing aerobics. I feel like I'm being scrutinized. I joined a "Biggest Loser" competition with other staff in my building. We each put in $10; the biggest percentage loser in 8 weeks gets the pot. I do not expect to win. Even if I reach my goal lossage, it will only be .07%. I only joined to help motivate me extrinsically; and it's fun to celebrate each other's successes. I've been trying to feed my family heathier, too. More fresh vegetables and such... but oh, do I love pasta. Tortellini may be the "death" of my waistline one day.
2. Be a better wife
This is the tough one. While I don't think that I'm a bad wife, I know I have room to improve. I'm trying harder to be patient and compromising with my husband (who has told me that I don't compromise), and I'm trying to communicate more openly and encourage him to do the same. In so many ways, we don't see eye to eye. And I'm beginning to notice that the more I learn about him on a deeper level, the more different I realize we are. But, we both love Maysie like crazy, and that's what matters most to me.
3. Bend a little
This one is somewhat derivative of resolution #2. I'm trying to let myself be okay with a divergance from the normal everyday routine with Maysie. So far, she's had dinner closer to 6 than 5:30 many nights, and lightening has not struck me yet. She has also gotten to bed at 8 rather than 7:30 several nights, and she still functions just fine at school. I'm also trying to be open to activities that previously I would not have even considered, like travel. A close family friend of my husband has invited us to his home in CA this April to celebrate his granddaughter's 3rd birthday. At first, I told Chadi, "You can go with out us. It would be too hard with Maysie's daily routine." But he encouraged me to think about it. We'd be staying with a family with 2 young grandchildren, so their house is equiped for toddlers, as well as their cars. The activities we would partake in would already be inconsideration of the 1 and 3 year old living there, so adding a 2 year old to the mix isn't a huge imposition as I imagined it would be. I told Chadi to accept the invitation. There's no going back now; I'm actually getting a bit excited!

I've kept my list at 3 resolutions for now. Maybe I'll add a few here and there as I find need to, but small is more obtainable. Wish me luck!

Saturday, January 9, 2010

Breaking Cabin Fever

Because of the snow, ice, and school closing this past week, I have developed a case of severe cabin fever(due to sketchy road conditions, freezing temperatures, and lack of funding to really do anything). Last night, a dear friend rescued Maysie and me from our homebound status. We took a trip to Barnes & Noble for coffee and a change of scenery. I told Maysie we were going to the book store; her reply, "I play with choo choo train." She remembered the track set up in the children's area from the last time we visited a month or so ago. Not even 2 yet- she's brilliant, folks! Today, we ventured out yet again after nap. Daddy worked the mid-shift today, so it was just us girls. I drove by the book store, and Maysie pointed toward it and said, "I go that way;I play with choo choo train." (I'm not making this up- she's very articulate for her age.) Seriouly, how could I say no? Besides, I can (always) enjoy another mocha. (Two days in a row? Such luxury!) The trains were quite the popular hang out for preschoolers this afternoon. I could tell that Maysie might just be getting tired of the All-Momma-All-the-Time show at home when she eagerly and voluntarily showed her train to a strange man who was there with his child. She's not a shy girl, but it usually takes her some time and coaxing to warm up to a new face, but she might just have gone home with them if offered. Perhaps drop-off at her "school" Monday won't be so bad after all.

On a different note, I made an inch of progress with Project Reinvention today. I went to the gym this morning for their dance aerobics class. I really enjoyed it. I also checked out the child care area while I was there. I do believe Maysie will have fun there; maybe enough to not notice that Momma has run off to shake her hiney in Zumba. I've also been considering auditioning for the summer musical at my local theater in June. They're (funny, I used to say "we're" when referring to that same theatre) doing South Pacfic. At first, the show did not appeal to me, but I checked out a synopsis online, and it looks interesting afterall. I mentioed it to my friend last night, and she was very encouraging. (Don't ya'just love friends?) Since it's during the summer, I would have all day with Maysie (at least 3 week days anyway because I usually work in the summer); really, I would only be missing out on an hour of Maysie time and only 4 nights a week. That time, though, is when she has bath, story, and goes to bed- so it's quality time. It is only temperary, however. The biggest obstacle (besides the guilt I'd be struggling with for selfishly doing something only for me)is that my husband plans to visit his family in Egypt for the entire month of June, which is when rehearsals start. I would need to arrange for someone to bathe and put Mays to bed and stay at the house until I get home. My coffee friend expressed interest in helping if she is available, but I couldn't expect her to give up her Monday-Thursday evenings for the entire summer. Hmmmm..... I need to think about this one before I get my mind too set on the idea of auditioning. I really do miss the stage....

Next, now that I'm getting back into this blogging business, I need to revamp my page, but I really don't know how. I like having a picture, but it's too big! It askews the rest of my stuff. I also want to add links to other blogs that I look at, but, again, I don't know how.... My lack of techno-savvy really makes me feel old...

Finally- My husband likes to tease me about how many people in this town I know. I always see familiar faces when we're out and about. Today I saw 1 former student at B&N, and 1 current student (who looked surprised to find that I, too, go to Walmart), 5 former students, and 2 old friends at the store. So far it's a record!

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

2010- the Year of Reinvention...

So one year and some months later, I resurface in this blogging world. Who knows if I'll be able to update regularly. I can think of so many other activities to do with my (little) free time: grading paper, cleaning, resting, updating scrapbooks, reading....yet, the beacon of technology is somehow more enticing. My cousin is able to keep her blog up and running with a teeny and adorable baby girl along with a full time job, so surely I can too. In addition, I've remarried, so I have an extra set of willing hands to share parenting duties (though, I've learned that momma is ALWAYS on duty).
So now the question is, what do I write about? No more do I wish to use a blog as a sounding board for my issues, nor do I have as many- thank God! I wrapped up 2007 (The Year of Breaking Down) along with a sprinkle of the drama from 2008 (The Year of New Beginnings) and threw it out the window. I've made peace with those years.... Last year I named "The Year of Letting Go" because it became necessary for me to hand over the reins that I clutched so tightly, in all parts of my life, to others. I had an intern for the first part of the school year, I also co-teach with another teacher in the afternoons, which means that I had to let go of my classes and my "new and excting lesson ideas for next year". I love the act of teaching- maybe because it is an act, and I'm an actor at heart; but with a co-teacher, I must share that job, including the fun, the delivery, and (Wooohaa!) the grading with another. Not that I'm stingy; I like sharing, but I get a specific idea of how I feel a task (lesson) should be carried out in order for maximum efficiency. It's been hard to watch someone else do it differently than I would. ......but I'm learning, and we are beginning to find a balance.
On top of all that, a new addition to our household posed a new challenge. I remarried in May. In October, he was finally home for good. Since Maysie's birth, I have had a fairly tight routine that ensures everything gets done around the house and done well. It's been difficult allowing someone with no real experience with parenting or running a household to interrupt..... I mean share my routine. But with that I am also learning and enjoying the relief of some around the house jobs.
2010 will be "The Year of Reinvention". I intend to rediscover a self lost in the sadness and drama and stiff house hold regimen. I want to go back to the gym, when I can. I want to paint more, cook more (which I've really enjoyed starting again), spend time with friends, maybe audition again- though I can't see that happening very soon. I hoping that by trying again all the things I love, I can find me, but a new me. Me, changed for the better, stronger, more understanding and patient. We shall see.......