Monday, June 30, 2008
I must be selective about the thoughts I share and the extent to which I delve into them. I guess when a person blogs, they must always be aware that SOMEONE could possibly read their innermost confessions and feelings. However, a person who blogs and shares such feelings could possibly be looking for not only an outlet, but others who share the same experiences who can offer advice, support, encouragement, etc......thus the double-edged sword of publishing your mind.
When I started this blog, I knew I would be posting pics of Maysie, so I sent a link to my friends and family. Plus I was looking for a connection to the outside world since, at the time, I had just had Maysie and was staying home (alone) with her. Now, my aunts read, my parents read, my ex husband reads, even T (Maysie's father) has read at least once. While I am glad that they have the opportunity to keep up with the goings on in my life, sometimes I get pretty personal with my blog. On occasion, I hear about it afterward. I don't like the idea that I feel the need to answer for or defend my feelings.
Example #1: My mother (who really is the world's greatest mom, btw) once called because she had just read my blog and was concerned because I sounded "so pathetic". Ouch! I suppose I did at that particular time in my journey through life, but aren't I entitled to my raw emotions and the expression thereof?
Example #2: T read a post where I vented my frustrations concerning his behavior. He reacted in a hostile manner stating that he read "words from a jealous ex who was trying to gain sympathy from her readers". The subsequent words that followed were not pretty; I won't even go into it. I will say, though, that that text-versation put him a breath away from losing Maysie (and me) in his life forever. And we would have contently been lost had he not wised up and made a phone call weeks later. Just to be clear, I did not send the link to him knowing that this blog could contain a few posts regarding him, but I did send it to his mistress/ girlfriend/ now (estranged) wife who used to be my friend. I suppose when they were getting back together she read that post and sent it to him to "tattle" on me. I guess I ought to be slapped for that one.
A more recent occurrence that raises my eyebrow is two author deleted comments on my previous post. I highly suspect my ex husband is behind them. I can't think of anyone else who comments on my posts who would feel the need to delete their comment. I can only imagine that whatever comments he might have made were snide, sarcastic remarks pointing the finger at me with references to the events surrounding the end of our marriage. I can't be 100% sure that it was him, but I feel quite strongly that it was. I'm sure either way that I'll catch it for this post anyway...but I am entitled to my opinions, right? Just to be clear- I didn't send the link to him in an attempt to avoid comments like the ones I suspect and any perpetuation of his hurt over the divorce, but he found it through my Facebook profile....where I posted a link.....I suppose I should think these things through, huh?
But isn't that the point of blogging? To say what's on your mind, clear your head, air your feelings, frustrations, concerns, spill your guts openly without being whipped for having feelings about life in general?
Sigh....what's girl with plenty of thoughts and opinions to do?
Friday, June 27, 2008
When I listened again tonight, I got a bit teary. The words are so incredibly heart-felt and romantic. Every woman lives to hear those words spoken from the man she loves. I can't help but feel, though, that it's all a bunch of bull shit. Oh, sure, a person can SAY those words, but do they really mean them? And even if they do mean them at the time they're spoken, for how long? A day? A month? Eventually, that sentiment wears off and then what? On to the next novelty?
It's sad and hollow to realize that I've stopped believing in true love. While I do believe I have found the purest, greatest love ever in my daughter, it's not the kind that a person longs to be part of in regards to a partnership. I've heard and read stories of how some men treat their women so perfectly and say the sweetest things; then I wonder when the ball will drop. I say to myself, 'yeah, right', because no one genuinely feels that way. That kind of love exists only in writing, not in real life. At least not in mine anyway. I do feel that I am capable of loving some one that deeply, only that I don't have what it takes to be loved like that. And even if some one ever came along and tried, I don't know that I would ever believe them. I would just play along, waiting for the ball to drop.
I used to believe in love- when did life make me so cynical?
Monday, June 23, 2008
Friday, June 20, 2008
Occationally, I am able to grab a good face, though! This one I took with my arm extended trying to point in the right direction. I also took several pictures of my wall using the same technique.
Here is my attempt at being artsy with a moving subject, poor lighting, that darned delayed shutter, and no flash (lest I get startled face again!). Ain't she sweet!!!
Well, I 've been in a poetic mood lately and wanted a place to publish my peoms. A bit self serving perhaps, but don't all artists create to display?
Anyway, check it out! Only poems are published now, but as soon as I get the chance to take some artsy pics, you'll see them there, too!
Saturday, June 14, 2008
With glistening eyes and mouth and tiny dimpled cheeks,
I know I am loved.
It was like sunshine on my soul,
and you missed it.
She laughed today; you missed it.
The sweetest squeal, a song of amusement because
I did something right.
A choir of angels lives in her voice,
and you missed it.
She cooed today; you missed it.
Gurgles and goos, her only words,
she shares her thoughts with me.
The best conversation I've had,
and you missed it.
I wonder when she's older
if she'll ever think of you,
curiosity and confusion for a father
she never knew.
With your eyes she'll search mine for
answers to hard questions,
and you'll miss it.
Precious moments fly on inevitable wings,
you'll miss them all.
your own choice to miss.
Cushioned by love, she won't know
the void I felt.
The vacancy you created will be fulfilled before
she knows the difference.
She'll say 'daddy' for someone else's face.
She won't miss it.
The stressors have ebbed and flowed the last three weeks. New ones creep in, but the usuals are still looming overhead. Mostly money matters, which are directly connected to the house- sell already!!! The T factor stressor (Maysie's "father") are beginning to subside as I have decided to lock the door he chose to walk through. I've heard no knocking, so he must be too busy playing house with his new wife to care. (that's right- he married the twice left while impregnated girl he left both me and his first wife for only seconds after getting back together again. Third time's the charm, right?)
Maysie seems to have adjusted to her new 'school', as have I adjusted to not having my little shadow with me 24/7. I decided to slowly introduce her to regular bottle feeding at least twice a day (I feed her during my lunch break as well as before I go to my room to work and when I pick her up.) because I won't be there to feed her at all during the day once I go back to school in the fall. At first, she wouldn't take a bottle. Finally, one day she decided a bottle wasn't so bad. That was a relief. It is hard, though, having so little Maysie time during the week.
I joined a gym. It was hard to justify the expense, but I knew I needed to do something for me even if it was only for 30 minutes two times a week. Their child care is free and trustworthy. I'm excited to get back into shape; I try not to feel too guilty not spending that time with Maysie after I haven't seen her most of the day. It's funny, just weeks after having Maysie I was back down to my high school/ college weight (below my pre-pregnancy weight I might brag!). I remember looking in the mirror thinking, 'Hey, I don't look too bad!'. Since then, I've maintained that weight- though it does fluctuate a pound or two each day-, but I feel that I don't look as good as I did. I feel flabbier somehow.....hmmmmm.....
Now that I'm not home all day to pump milk while Maysie naps, my frozen milk supply is surviving only day to day. I try to pump twice a day and keep my stock one day ahead. I'm so afraid I'm going to 'dry up' before I'm ready to. She's eating more now. It's easy to keep her on a schedule at school because I can tell how much she's eating at a time, but I have no idea how much she eats when I nurse her. It seems she doesn't get enough at one sitting to fill her up, so she needs to nurse more frequently when we're home, which makes it difficult to pump any substancial amounts to freeze. I really enjoy breastfeeding, and I know the benefits it has for Maysie. I'm hoping I can keep up for at least 3 or 4 more months!
A huge stressor I was feeling last week (with some residuals still lingering) was getting my school business finished. Because I've been moved to a different school for the upcoming school year, I needed to packup my room. The districty provided boxes and the hauling for everything that fit into those boxes, which was nice, but I learned that I have so much stuff that doesn't fit in a box. I took a day off from my summer gig to get it done; I thought that would be enough time. I had forgotten how much work goes into closing down, probably becuase in the past I started before the last day for teachers. This year however, a little thing called maternity leave interferred with that proactivity. I had one day to pack up my room, print out grade reports for the entire year, address and mail report cards, finish other bits of paper work- Oh yeah, and make up the 8.5 hours of professional developement I missed while I was on leave!!! Okay, so it's taking a week and a half to make up all the hours, but even that time line is tough!! There are some online courses I can take, which I've been enjoying, that I've been trying to squeeze in where I can. Each week day, though, I get only about 2 hours to myself after Maysie goes to bed. In that time I also have to feed the dogs and myself, clean up the house (in case someone wants to look!), do laundry, dishes, and pump, and that's only if Maysie goes to bed at her bed time between 7:30 and 8. Some nights I can't make it to 10:00! I promised my principal I would have them done by Monday. If not, the district will put a hold on my contract!!! So why am I wasting my time blogging!!!! -Really, I just needed to clear my head.....