Friday, October 8, 2010

The Art of Lonely

During the week, I keep my phone turned to vibrate because I don't want it to ring during class. I turn it back to normal for the weekend. Lately, though I've wondered what is worse: checking my "silented" phone for messages or calls and seeing that there have been none, or hearing someone not trying to contact me. Facebook has fallen into a similar trap. I read the news feed to see what the rest of my world is up to, but really am more interested to see if anyone has posted on my wall or sent me a message. Seems a little pathetic doesn't it? I'm sure if I posted on someone's wall, I would get a response.... I guess I hope that someone is thinking of me first. There have been no friend requests in months; but that's a two way street. I often wonder if I subconsciously sabotoge my own relationships. If I were in the midst of one, would I have time for it? My STBX (soon to be ex) repeatedly claimed that I had no time for him after Maysie went to bed. I found that frustrating because I didn't have time for me either, and I still had work to do, and I felt he needed me to entertain him. But perhaps he was right. Maybe I don't have time. The whirlwind of a relationship I was just recently in caused me to stress about time. When I knew he would be visiting on an evening, I worried that I wouldn't get my course work done or that he would feel jilted if I choose to do homework instead of spend every minute with him while he was there. It was a bit different, though. One of those people lived in the same house with me, one didn't. Really, though... when I have little to no time to myself, is there room for another person? My mom offered a night for me tonight. She and Dad would take Maysie through her bedtime routine so I could get a minute to myself. I almost didn't accept, even though I've been seriously needing some decompression time, because I had nothing to do that I couldn't do at home after Maysie goes to bed. None of my friends really go out. If they do, I don't know about it. A night to myself tonight means exactly that. A night with myself....alone with my flaws and my exhausting thoughts. I decided to spend only a minimal time on those, and the rest on homework and a mocha.... and no distracting TV or enticing couch.
But now, here I am. Alone. Well, not alone. I've brought with me Mom Guilt. Guilt for wanting/ needing time away from my parenting responsibilities. Another time when I lean heavily on my parent's support. It's good to have that support there, but shouldn't a grown and responsible woman be able to stand alone? There it is again... alone. I was actually looking forward to my escape to B&N. Until Mom Guilt arrived with my parents. Maybe that's where the name came from. Maybe it passes from one to another, but Mom Guilt hitched a ride on my soul tonight. Cheesey. The absorbtion of Mom Guilt when something like this: Look at that tired girl, she's so tired, she doesn't feel good, What time has she been getting to bed? she's sick, she needs to go to a doctor, she's not felt good this week, listen to her cough, it could be pneumonia... have a good time!
Mom Guilt, though, was happy to interpret for me. Please see the chart below...
Look at that tired girl = poor thing is sleep deprived.
She's so tired = what cruel person keeps this child awake?
she doesn't feel good = Can't you see that? What are you doing about it?
What time has she been getting to bed? = it's your fault she's so tired. You're keeping her up too late.
She's sick = You've been ignoring her illness and making her go to school!
She needs to go to a doctor = any decent parent can see that she needs medical attention! How could you not have done this yet!
She's not felt good this week = You've been torturing her all week by not making her well!
Listen to her cough = it sounds horrible. How can you ignore that? Why haven't you fixed it?
it could be pneumonia = and it's your fault ofr ignoring it for so long. Won't you feel bad if it is!
Have a good time = don't worry, we'll put her needs before our own and take care of her while your out having fun.
Sure, maybe I'm overreacting, but that danged little voice is so loud! I can almost guarantee that she'll go to bed early without any fuss or trouble indicating that the difficulty I've been having is my own fault for doing it all wrong, putting her to bed too late, not being too weak to handle it, all of the above....
I really shouldn't be so negative. My parents have been an immeasurable help the last 2.5 years that I've been called Momma. I'm grateful and disappointed at the same time. Grateful for their help, but disappointed that I've needed so much of it. People expected I would nto be able to do this single parenting thing by myself, and I feel I'm proving them right. I hate that. Yet here I am anyway. Good times......When I get home, I'm having a glass of wine.