Monday, November 15, 2010

Eternal Sunshine......

I'm inspired recently by the brilliant film Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. The characters here have the ability to pay a company to erase a memory, completely, from their mind. Anything so intolerably painful can be obliterated, an event, a relationhips, a person, so life can go on ignorantly blissful. What a concept. I think I would. Not a specifc person of occurance, but a concept. I would like to go through life having no awareness that such an elusive thing as romantic love between two adult people exists. I couldn't have the feeling of being in love erased, because I don't think I've ever experienced it, though I've thought many a time that I was there only to find out otherwise. No, instead I would prefer to go on not thinking about how great it must be.
To be clear, I wouldn't take all loving thoughts from my brain. I still want to love my friends and family. I still want to have love for things like fall colors and performing and a beautiful song. Especially I would want to hang tight to love for my sweet Maysie; that I would never give up. But those kinds of love are not the same as love from a life partner. If only I could remove that one little part of my memory, or the idea anyway. The idea of romance then would be as foreign as the taste of ox tongue. I've never tried it, so I don't want it. I don't want it, so I don't miss it. I don't miss it, so it doesn't hurt not to have it. It doesn't hurt not having any so seeing others enjoy it doesn't effect me. Simple. Just imagine how focused I could be on the rest of life if it weren't for that one little bother.
Maybe it can be erased. Maybe if I don't believe, it will cease to exist, like faeries. It's not that I don't believe in love completely; I do...for some. The way I see it, when it comes to having romantic love you're either a "have"- I've seen enough of these genuine cases that I know it exists- or you're like the rest of us...a "have not". Oh, I've been a "have tried" and a "have thought so", but never a true to life "have". I don't think I'm capable. In either regard: to be in-love or to be in-love with. I wasn't put on this earth for that reason. I've got plenty of purpose, but finding the right guy to (mutaully) fall in love with for good is just not one of them.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Fighting the parenting blues

Where did I go? This is the second post I've written about getting lost in parenthood; the first was written 2 years ago. I don't feel I'm continuously sinking anymore, but I do feel submerged. I love love love the priviledge of being Maysie's momma, but I miss me, too. Single parenting is such a difficult balance; I can't even stay on the log! Everything I used to identify with, that made me like me, I don't have time for anymore. I feel like I've lost it and me along with it. I used to call myself a performer. It's been over 2 years since I've been in a full-on production. I have taken cameo parts in a few theatrical camp performances thanks to my wonderful friends in the teaching-kids-to-act business. I appreciate greatly what those moments on stage did for me and my sanity. But they awakened in me the beast that bit me in the first place. Now I want more. Performing musically one was a few things that I sincerely felt I was good at whether someone told me so or not. Another is art. Paiting, drawing, creating- anything I had the resources for. I create here and there for a purpose, like gifts or costumes. But I haven't created just for me in years. I actually started a painting a month or so ago as an attempt to find me in those paint bottles, but I haven't touched it since then because I have too much work to do. By work I mean grading, planning, course work, house work... stuff that has to be done, which beats stuff that I want to do. Another wish-I-had-time-for is writing and illustrating children's books. I've had several stories rolling around in my head for 10 years! A few have even made it to type. I tried to make it a goal last summer to work on my stories, but my courses started in June and I was working 3 days a week. On the days I wasn't working I had Maysie with me; her sleeping time was spent doing homework. I've also discovered that I'm not very productive at home. I get distracted by house work and being tired. Basically what I need is time to myself. What is that anyway?
I think back to my life before Maysie, way before... like when I was married the first time and not even thinking about having kids. How did I not have time then? What else was I doing with myself? I was teaching and staying at school longer, and actually doing the school work I brought home. I was acting, too. Sometimes 3 shows a season. I could I have felt then that I didn't have time.... If I knew then what I know now, I would have been so much more productive. And now, here I sit blogging about my woes of no-timeness while Maysie watches Mickey Mouse on the "big" computer. I started this evening's writing endevor on the PC, but was soon displaced by a sweet (and demanding) little plea for Mickey. I can hardly justify spending sleeping time (Maysie's that is) with non-productive activities like blogging. That time is reserved for school work.
On the bright side, my social life has taken a turn for the better. I have a friend whom I've been spending a lot of time with. I really enjoy his company, and he seems to enjoy mine and Maysie's. I'll try not to screw that up.