I'm inspired recently by the brilliant film Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. The characters here have the ability to pay a company to erase a memory, completely, from their mind. Anything so intolerably painful can be obliterated, an event, a relationhips, a person, so life can go on ignorantly blissful. What a concept. I think I would. Not a specifc person of occurance, but a concept. I would like to go through life having no awareness that such an elusive thing as romantic love between two adult people exists. I couldn't have the feeling of being in love erased, because I don't think I've ever experienced it, though I've thought many a time that I was there only to find out otherwise. No, instead I would prefer to go on not thinking about how great it must be.
To be clear, I wouldn't take all loving thoughts from my brain. I still want to love my friends and family. I still want to have love for things like fall colors and performing and a beautiful song. Especially I would want to hang tight to love for my sweet Maysie; that I would never give up. But those kinds of love are not the same as love from a life partner. If only I could remove that one little part of my memory, or the idea anyway. The idea of romance then would be as foreign as the taste of ox tongue. I've never tried it, so I don't want it. I don't want it, so I don't miss it. I don't miss it, so it doesn't hurt not to have it. It doesn't hurt not having any so seeing others enjoy it doesn't effect me. Simple. Just imagine how focused I could be on the rest of life if it weren't for that one little bother.
Maybe it can be erased. Maybe if I don't believe, it will cease to exist, like faeries. It's not that I don't believe in love completely; I do...for some. The way I see it, when it comes to having romantic love you're either a "have"- I've seen enough of these genuine cases that I know it exists- or you're like the rest of us...a "have not". Oh, I've been a "have tried" and a "have thought so", but never a true to life "have". I don't think I'm capable. In either regard: to be in-love or to be in-love with. I wasn't put on this earth for that reason. I've got plenty of purpose, but finding the right guy to (mutaully) fall in love with for good is just not one of them.
1 comment:
I've had cow tongue. That must be pretty close.
Seriously, that sounds sad . . . perhaps your definition needs review? I mean, perhaps your standard of "romantic love" is so elevated that it can never be realistically achieved by you or anyone else?
Maybe it should be revised down to, "in a romantic, perhaps sexual, relationship and also happy"
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