Sunday, November 7, 2010

Fighting the parenting blues

Where did I go? This is the second post I've written about getting lost in parenthood; the first was written 2 years ago. I don't feel I'm continuously sinking anymore, but I do feel submerged. I love love love the priviledge of being Maysie's momma, but I miss me, too. Single parenting is such a difficult balance; I can't even stay on the log! Everything I used to identify with, that made me like me, I don't have time for anymore. I feel like I've lost it and me along with it. I used to call myself a performer. It's been over 2 years since I've been in a full-on production. I have taken cameo parts in a few theatrical camp performances thanks to my wonderful friends in the teaching-kids-to-act business. I appreciate greatly what those moments on stage did for me and my sanity. But they awakened in me the beast that bit me in the first place. Now I want more. Performing musically one was a few things that I sincerely felt I was good at whether someone told me so or not. Another is art. Paiting, drawing, creating- anything I had the resources for. I create here and there for a purpose, like gifts or costumes. But I haven't created just for me in years. I actually started a painting a month or so ago as an attempt to find me in those paint bottles, but I haven't touched it since then because I have too much work to do. By work I mean grading, planning, course work, house work... stuff that has to be done, which beats stuff that I want to do. Another wish-I-had-time-for is writing and illustrating children's books. I've had several stories rolling around in my head for 10 years! A few have even made it to type. I tried to make it a goal last summer to work on my stories, but my courses started in June and I was working 3 days a week. On the days I wasn't working I had Maysie with me; her sleeping time was spent doing homework. I've also discovered that I'm not very productive at home. I get distracted by house work and being tired. Basically what I need is time to myself. What is that anyway?
I think back to my life before Maysie, way before... like when I was married the first time and not even thinking about having kids. How did I not have time then? What else was I doing with myself? I was teaching and staying at school longer, and actually doing the school work I brought home. I was acting, too. Sometimes 3 shows a season. I could I have felt then that I didn't have time.... If I knew then what I know now, I would have been so much more productive. And now, here I sit blogging about my woes of no-timeness while Maysie watches Mickey Mouse on the "big" computer. I started this evening's writing endevor on the PC, but was soon displaced by a sweet (and demanding) little plea for Mickey. I can hardly justify spending sleeping time (Maysie's that is) with non-productive activities like blogging. That time is reserved for school work.
On the bright side, my social life has taken a turn for the better. I have a friend whom I've been spending a lot of time with. I really enjoy his company, and he seems to enjoy mine and Maysie's. I'll try not to screw that up.

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