The Art of Lonely

During the week, I keep my phone turned to vibrate because I don't want it to ring during class. I turn it back to normal for the weekend. Lately, though I've wondered what is worse: checking my "silented" phone for messages or calls and seeing that there have been none, or hearing someone not trying to contact me. Facebook has fallen into a similar trap. I read the news feed to see what the rest of my world is up to, but really am more interested to see if anyone has posted on my wall or sent me a message. Seems a little pathetic doesn't it? I'm sure if I posted on someone's wall, I would get a response.... I guess I hope that someone is thinking of me first. There have been no friend requests in months; but that's a two way street. I often wonder if I subconsciously sabotoge my own relationships. If I were in the midst of one, would I have time for it? My STBX (soon to be ex) repeatedly claimed that I had no time for him after Maysie went to bed. I found that frustrating because I didn't have time for me either, and I still had work to do, and I felt he needed me to entertain him. But perhaps he was right. Maybe I don't have time. The whirlwind of a relationship I was just recently in caused me to stress about time. When I knew he would be visiting on an evening, I worried that I wouldn't get my course work done or that he would feel jilted if I choose to do homework instead of spend every minute with him while he was there. It was a bit different, though. One of those people lived in the same house with me, one didn't. Really, though... when I have little to no time to myself, is there room for another person? My mom offered a night for me tonight. She and Dad would take Maysie through her bedtime routine so I could get a minute to myself. I almost didn't accept, even though I've been seriously needing some decompression time, because I had nothing to do that I couldn't do at home after Maysie goes to bed. None of my friends really go out. If they do, I don't know about it. A night to myself tonight means exactly that. A night with myself....alone with my flaws and my exhausting thoughts. I decided to spend only a minimal time on those, and the rest on homework and a mocha.... and no distracting TV or enticing couch.
But now, here I am. Alone. Well, not alone. I've brought with me Mom Guilt. Guilt for wanting/ needing time away from my parenting responsibilities. Another time when I lean heavily on my parent's support. It's good to have that support there, but shouldn't a grown and responsible woman be able to stand alone? There it is again... alone. I was actually looking forward to my escape to B&N. Until Mom Guilt arrived with my parents. Maybe that's where the name came from. Maybe it passes from one to another, but Mom Guilt hitched a ride on my soul tonight. Cheesey. The absorbtion of Mom Guilt when something like this: Look at that tired girl, she's so tired, she doesn't feel good, What time has she been getting to bed? she's sick, she needs to go to a doctor, she's not felt good this week, listen to her cough, it could be pneumonia... have a good time!
Mom Guilt, though, was happy to interpret for me. Please see the chart below...
Look at that tired girl = poor thing is sleep deprived.
She's so tired = what cruel person keeps this child awake?
she doesn't feel good = Can't you see that? What are you doing about it?
What time has she been getting to bed? = it's your fault she's so tired. You're keeping her up too late.
She's sick = You've been ignoring her illness and making her go to school!
She needs to go to a doctor = any decent parent can see that she needs medical attention! How could you not have done this yet!
She's not felt good this week = You've been torturing her all week by not making her well!
Listen to her cough = it sounds horrible. How can you ignore that? Why haven't you fixed it?
it could be pneumonia = and it's your fault ofr ignoring it for so long. Won't you feel bad if it is!
Have a good time = don't worry, we'll put her needs before our own and take care of her while your out having fun.
Sure, maybe I'm overreacting, but that danged little voice is so loud! I can almost guarantee that she'll go to bed early without any fuss or trouble indicating that the difficulty I've been having is my own fault for doing it all wrong, putting her to bed too late, not being too weak to handle it, all of the above....
I really shouldn't be so negative. My parents have been an immeasurable help the last 2.5 years that I've been called Momma. I'm grateful and disappointed at the same time. Grateful for their help, but disappointed that I've needed so much of it. People expected I would nto be able to do this single parenting thing by myself, and I feel I'm proving them right. I hate that. Yet here I am anyway. Good times......When I get home, I'm having a glass of wine.

Family Fun time

My brother and his family came to visit this past weekend. Maysie had such a good time playing with her cousins. All of them were so sweet to her; I could tell they have an older sibling instinct. We spent as much time as we could with them for the day and a half they were here. So much so, that Maysie did not want to come home with me after they had all left Monday. Now it's back to the Mom show: All Mom, all the time!

My daughter, the artist

Maysie likes to draw and paint. She always requests that I trace her hands or draw Santa Clause when faced with a blank canvas. I recently invested in a sturdy, plastic picnic table and umbrella so we can paint outside without worrying about a big mess... I can just hose the table down.



She also likes to pretend. She likes to pretend to make me cry; I'm not sure how I feel about that yet. She used to tell me to "fry, Mama", then offer me a pretend binky once I got going. At times she'll tell me she needs a glove or a hat and I'll offer her a pretend whatever... sometimes she comes back with, "no, a real _____, not a pretend _____." I'm glad she has an imagination. And quite a flare for the dramatic, too.

Hot Fun in the Summer time...

Today was my first official day of summer vacation. It was also the first day of my second whack at potty training my 2 year old daughter. I had tried over Spring break, but she was taking an antibiotic for an ear infection. It was so strong it caused her to have diarrhea and a raging yeast infection; I decided it was best to wait. Now that school's out, things will be calm for me for another few days. I'm going to be working half days, four days a week at a program for school-aged kids at the facility where Maysie goes. I'll be earning extra money and getting a nice employee discount on her tuition! For a few weeks I'll be spending my mornings helping out at a friend's performance studio for their summer camp sessions. July is packed with professional workshops AND I'll be starting my online Masters program at the end of June... so summer is not much of a vacation for me; just a vacation from my primary profession. I like to stay busy, though. And it will keep me from wanting to take a cue from my friends and go somewhere fun and then feeling jealous because I can't. I am trying to plan fun activities for the Mays and myself, and Chadi when he's visiting. We plan to go see Toy Story 3 when it comes out; Maysie's first movie in the theatre- should be an adventure! I also want to take a day trip to Turpentine Creek- a large cat sanctuary. Not to mention the potty training adventure....
I've brought home a handful of young adult books from my classroom library to read before my literacy workshop in July (where I plan to pickup more books to read before school starts). There are a few side projects I want to work on too, when I get the chance - in other words, during nap times....
So, already my summer is booked. I'm trying to make a conscious effort not to start thinking about the next school year until July, but I'm meeting my new intern tomorrow -just for introductions and visiting- though I'm sure school will come up.
Oh well..

I know why the caged monkey goes nuts....

We are taking the BIG state standardized test this week at my school. Well, I say "we", but all I'm doing is reading from a script and watching a dozen of my 6th grade girls read, write, and fill in bubbles for 15 to 45 minutes at a time. I envy them that they actually have something to engage their minds in. I've been carrying a notepad around with me while I monitor them in case something pops into my head. I can't do anything about it, but I can write it down and do something about it later.
In the afternoons, our homerooms come to us for the rest of the day. I started to read Peter Pan, my absolute favorite book, to them yesterday, but they wanted to talk or play hand games or make smart remarks about the story..... it was quite frustrating. Today I let them play games and chat for an hour before torturing them with the brilliance of J. M. Barry again. They actually seemed to be into the story today, though. The first chapter is so full of analogies and figurative writing that they just didn't get it. But today the action was emerging, and the humor began to show. Waiting for the hour to pass before settling them was rough, though. I love those little toots, but they were certainly rowled up after sitting prostrate over a test all morning. Our principal dismissed all grades to play for the rest of the day at 2pm. Boy, they needed it!

Acceptance on a roll....I hope

So I got an email today stating that both lesson I submitted to an alternate educators conference were accepted, meaning I've been approved to present a professional development conference for other educators. I'm excited, but feeling a bit intimidated, too. What if they people who attend think my lessons are dumb... what if I get nervous an talk in circles or say something stupid (it happens... a lot). What if no one signs up for my sessions..... sigh...
I think the lessons are neat, but I designed them; and quite a few others have asked for a copy of one of them. Perhaps I shouldn't psych myself out. They wouldn't have chosen me if they didn't think I have something to offer, right? Speaking of accepted, I'm waiting to hear from the online masters program I applied to for acceptance. I'm also waiting to hear if I will be given any financial aid. If not, I guess they can throw that bill on the pile, too. Keep your legs crossed for me, folks...
Funny, I wrote that as if anyone is reading... I have serious doubts about that one!

Typical Saturday

While Maysie naps, I have the chance to get to my To Do's.... when there are no major things to do, I'm stymied. Strange. So I suppose some scripted reflection is in order....
Maysie has taken a liking to cleaning. She's always enjoyed sweeping the floor, helping to wipe the tables and picking up, but now she wants- WANTS- to wash her dishes out, too. I took some pics of her smiling while doing dishes to prove that it's her idea!



I think it's stinkin' adorable! Might as well nurture her desire to clean up after herself while she has one! She's getting to be so independent, too. I try not to offer her any help with little tasks unless she asks for it, and I always try to give her choices whenever applicable.

Lately, in order to feed the need to create that I've been feeling since Spring hit, I've been trying to come up with some new recipes. Food Network is one of my favorite channels, and the one I choose to watch the most after Maysie goes to bed. I get plenty of flavor ideas there, it's the execution I'm not familiar with. Tonight, I'm going to make a ground turkey pita with greek yogurt and cucumber dressing. We'll see how that goes.
I've also been using my classroom as a creative outlet, too. The Benchmark is next week, so my lessons have all focused on preparing the students for that lately, but I've already written out a scope for the rest of the year. I love the 6 weeks after Benchmark. The test stress is over, and I can focus on the areas of the curriculum that are not stressed on the English portion of the test. I plan to start with poetry: reading, interpreting, and writing, then move into drama: reading, writing, and performing! I can't wait! Several of the lessons/ activities are some that I've done before, some have been modified, but others are brand new! My favorite part about teaching is coming up with the lessons and accompanying activities. I also enjoy attending workshops for ideas. Most of my lessons are original, as far as I know, anyway.... I've found 3 local workshop that I want to attend this summer. I'm also attending the second year of a 2 year literacy program that my school is funding. It's out of town, which means I have to leave Maysie for 4 nights! Last year it nearly killed me! She kept asking where I had gone and waiting by the window for me to drive up. This year, I'm trying to work out a plan for Mom and Maysie (and Chadi, too, if he can) to come Searcy for the last day of the conference, and we'll all spend the weekend in Little Rock afterwards.
I feel a bit word-drained.... and my book is calling. A student of mine is foaming at the mouth to get his hands on the book when I finish it, too.....